literature

Cornucopia of Sass: An Interview With Miss Caultry

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*Man-handles Sarah into the Chair of Input again*

Sarah: I think your bedside manner is what I like most about you.

Wingsy: Save the sass for your questions, will you?

Sarah: What, are you having me interviewed again? Are you out of ideas or something?

Wingsy: ....shut up. *mutters something about ungrateful OCs and writer's block as she stalks back into the shadows*

1.) What is your name?

Name's Sarah, but you can call me Miss C. I usually reserve first names for friends. Of which I don't have many.

2.) Do you know why you were named that?

Sure. I liked the way it sounded when I changed it back in '84. Sometimes when you need to disappear, it's good to have one or two aliases on you. That's what my baa-chan taught me.

3.) Are you single or taken?

Eh, I guess I was taken at some point back when I was married to that flabby cockwaffle I called a husband. I've also got a lovesick criminal mastermind hell-bent on courting me, but that's the extent on my romantic liaisons.

4.) Have any abilities or powers?

If being able to hit a note that shatters glass and deafens dogs is an ability, then sure. Being an actress, I'm able to blend into places when I don't want to be found. Apparently that's annoying for anyone who happens to be tracking me.

5.) Stop being a wimp.

*deadpan stare* Rude.

6.) If you were to get in a fight with a strong wrestler, do you think you'd win?

Depends on what his weight ratio is. I could take him if I sized him up correctly and used that against him. Baa-chan taught me things like that when I was sixteen. Basil helped perfect them. He's pretty strong for a noodle.

7.) Have any family members?

My parents moved to America when I was eleven. I still see them sometimes, and I write to them on occasion. I miss them.

8.) How about pets?

I don't have any pets, and I'm allergic to cats. Doesn't bother me any. I'm more of a dog person.

9.) Tell me something that you don't like.

Better take a seat, we'll be here for a while. *shrugs, makes herself comfortable* all right, I don't like men. Pure and simple. I don't have anything remotely against them for being men, but I just can't find it in myself to trust them after everything they've put me through. I dislike petty arguments about nothing, political parties who put their own interests ahead of their people, the Interaction Laws because they're stupid and bad tea. Bad tea ruins everything.

10.) Something that you do like?

I like to walk, and I like flowers. Actually, I like anything to do with gardening or just making something in general. I thoroughly enjoy singing and the stage because stepping into a role is cleansing for the soul as my mentor used to say. And I have it on pretty good authority that I love a good mystery. As long as I'm not involved, you'll understand.

11) Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do?

I consider gardening a hobby. That and some of those harlequin romance novels that are out nowadays are fairly interesting. They need more detailed smut, though, but I'm not a writer.

12.) Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before?

If someone's going to be stupid enough to threaten me or my store, you bet your ass I will.

13.) Ever... killed anyone before?

No one's gotten close enough for me to try. And murder makes things messy.

14.) What kind of animal are you?

A Rodent of Unusually Small Size. *chuckles* Sorry, that's something of an inside joke in my family. We're dwarf rats, so we're fairly small for our species.

15.) Name your worst habits.

Why would I tell you that? Tch. *pulls out a cigarette and a filter* Well, obviously there's the smoking, the boozing when I'd rather not be thinking about something unpleasant. I tend to get shrill when I'm angry and sound like a fisherman's wife. I'm gorgeous, and I damn well know it, and so should everyone else. I have one hell of a temper, and I tend to stick my nose where it doesn't belong, but hey what else am I supposed to do when I'm curious? Hell, I can be selfish when I want to, but I think I goddamn jolly well deserve to be after what I've been through. And as you can see, I've got a pretty foul mouth. But hey, I say that any woman deserves to be crass when she's forced to be delicate for a man's amusement. We'd explode otherwise.

16.) Do you look up to anyone at all?

Since I'm tiny and the world is huge, I tend to look up a lot. If we were going with heroes, I've been let down too many times to admire anyone. *shrugs* But I'd say my baa-chan and my mentor to be safe.

17.) Gay, straight, or bi?

I don't have any preference. Male, female, transgender, it doesn't matter to me.

18.) Do you go to school?

Women usually aren't allowed in this day and age. Probably because most of us are smarter than those stuffy groups of men sitting on committees like to think we are. But yeah I did, and then I was ratted out if you'll pardon the pun.
19.) Ever wanna marry and have kids one day?

I can't have kids. Lord knows I wanted them when I was younger, but now...*she sighs* I wouldn't want to give those poor brats the responsibility of me. And as for marriage, hell no. The last time I tried that nearly got me thrown in prison.

20.) Do you have any fangirls/fanboys?

I've got a few admirers for my work, including a love-struck criminal mastermind who doesn't know when to up and quit.

21.) What are you most afraid of? I promise I won't laugh.

The dark and the future.

22.) What color is your hair?

Dark brown. I get it from my father's side of the family.

23.) Eyes?

Green. Again, father's side.

24.) What do you usually wear?

Dresses or trousers, whatever I feel like. I'm already considered the talk of the town, what the hell do I care if they think I'm a cross-dresser? I do what I want.

25.) What's your religion?

I was raised Jewish, but I've decided to disappoint my parents and embrace Buddhism

26.) Do you wish this quiz is over?

It's my day off, so eh. *shrugs and takes a drag*

27.) Well, it's still not over.

Didn't think so.

28.) Where do you live?

Above a bakery on King's Street in London. Feel free to stop by sometime. I'll probably not give you a discount, though. Gotta make ends meet in these trying times, you understand.

29.) What class are you? (Low class, middle class, high class)

Somewhere between middle and low class since my assets were seized. And not in the way you're thinking, you perverts.

30.) How many friends do you have?

Having friends is troublesome most of the time. You can't tell which ones will up and rat you out when you do things you're not supposed to. I always say a best friend is the one who is right next to you in the cell and encouraging you to do it again. If we were going in that direction, I'd say at least two.

31.) If you could change anything about you, what would you change?

Hah, not a damn thing. I'm perfect the way I am with the excessive drinking, and the smoking, and the general bad habits I continue to inspire in others.

32.) If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?

Probably hire a hitmouse and put a bounty on my ex-husband. I could do with a laugh.

33.) What are your thoughts on pie?

Apple pie is a pure and blameless food and was placed upon this green Earth as a symbol for all that is holy.

34.) What's your favourite food?

Have you ever had a Honeycrisp apple? It's like that apple in the garden of Eve only a snake doesn't have to convince you to eat it and God won't smite you if you do.

35.) Favourite drink?

Spiced rum in green tea is the perfect way to warm a body up, especially here in London where it rains nine months out of the year and hails the other three.

36.) What is your favorite place?

Either the stage or the countryside when I had to flee London after Basil of Baker Street found out I was involved in one of his cases. Ran me out of town, but I don't blame him. He put Danny in jail, and I hadn't had a good laugh in years.

37.) Least favorite?

Sterling Manor. You do the math.

38. What will make you really mad?

Anyone treating me like garbage or that I'm stupid because I'm a woman. Grabby hands, snippy gossipy women, certain mice, racism, ignorance, bad operas, bad plays, really stupid mice, Basil when he's being a prat, lovesick criminal masterminds and their hare-brained marriage proposals...

39.) Are you still wanting the quiz to end?

Why not. I need a drink.

40.) Yeah. Well, it's over.

Fantastic. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to drown my sorrows in expensive things and lots of booze.

~~~~

An Interview With the Masterminds

1. First, who are you, your age and your species?

Sarah: Sarah Caultry, 30, dwarf rat


2. Now you've introduced yourself, who is your partner, their age, and their species.

Ratigan: Professor James Ratigan, 42, large mouse

Sarah: *swats*

Ratigan: Hey!

Sarah: You are not a mouse. You're a rat. Own it.

3. What makes your partner special to you?

Sarah: I don't consider the two of us romantic partners. He's nothing special save for the bouts of rage which are a hell of a lot of fun to watch from a distance. He's a thorn in my side and he's irritatingly egotistical to the point where you have to put a mirror in front of him to shut him up. On the upside, he's smart as hell and knows what he wants in life. That's admirable, I guess.

Ratigan: *sarcastic* Aren't we a little ray of sunshine? *Sarah shrugs and blows smoke in his face, he coughs and waves it away* Miss C is a charmingly antisocial woman with all the social graces of a gnat. She can outdrink and outcurse a sailor or any of the idiots in my establishment. She's powerful, she's beauty, she's grace, and she will punch you in the face if you get too close. Something I admire about her, actually.

Sarah: *another shrug* That doesn't stop you from trying to marry me either.

Ratigan: Can I help it if I'm madly in love with you?

Sarah: I sure hope so.

4. Aw that's so sweet! So, have you ever been suspicious of your partner?

Sarah: Anyone who isn't deserves whatever he does to them.

Ratigan: Ah, so cold my dearest flower! *attempts to clasp her hands, but is smacked with extreme prejudice* As for my dear lady, not especially. She isn't very trusting, and I have the utmost faith in her staying faithful to me.

Sarah: If I were married to you, I might have to poison myself. And you too.

Ratigan: You certainly are feeling particularly venomous today. *smoothly* It's quite alluring.


5. Let's move now...Have you used any pick-up lines with your partner? If yes, say which ones.

Sarah: I'd rather sweet-talk a serpent.

Ratigan: *to Wings* Why do you even bother putting us in the same room if she's going to be so bloody difficult?

Wings: Because watching her sass you is highly entertaining.

Sarah: *takes smug drag off of her cigarette*

6. So what's the most embarrassing moment you've shared with your partner?

Sarah: I'd call running into each other naked fairly embarrassing.

Ratigan:*still a bit put out by all the sass* For the final time, I didn't know you were swimming in that pond too. I thought you didn't like water.

Sarah: If I'm going to cross the English Channel to get away from you, I damn well better know how to swim.

Ratigan: So you say, and yet you always come back to me.

Sarah: Only when I have to hit something. You make a suitable punching bag. *ears fold and she looks away*

7. Oh I see...So, do you believe in sex after marriage?

Ratigan: I believe it is a way of releasing stress, so not in that sense. However in my case, I would wait to give myself to the person I want to spend my life with.

Sarah: I'm not interested in sex, but I won't judge anyone who is having sex before getting married. It isn't any of my business.

Ratigan: And as for me, my dear?

Sarah: Anyone who sleeps with you is a masochist. You bite.

Ratigan: *filthy smirk* Do you like biting?

Sarah: No. I don't know where that mouth has been.

Ratigan: *pervy snicker*

8. Interesting...Now do you have any sexual desires you would like to try with your partner? If yes, what is it?

Sarah: If you're trying to see if a rat can vomit, I have some news for you.

Ratigan: Oh come now, you're not that repulsed by me, are you?

Sarah: Define repulsed.

Ratigan: *chuckles as she rolls her eyes at him* I certainly do have a few, but the little diva is beyond my reach at the moment. I'm sure she'll come around, if you know what I mean.

Sarah: Gross.

9. Okay, now what really turns you on?

Sarah: Sincere chivalry, and me being worshipped like the goddamn goddess of beauty I am.

Ratigan: Have you heard the simply sultry way she speaks to me? Ah, it is all I can do not to swoon at her feet.

Sarah: Swear on the Queen's bloomers, you're worse than Rachelle.

Ratigan: *extremely offended* You take that back!

10. Enough with that. So may I ask, do you know what your partners weak-point is? Does he/she know yours?

Ratigan: Her inability to trust is one of her most pressing issues. Though in truth, I can hardly blame her for what she has gone through.

Sarah: *somewhat softer now* He has some sort of disassociative identity disorder and he all out explodes in his anger. If we were together, that would take some serious getting used to. I might even have to steal him some medication.

Ratigan: You're too sweet, my dear.

Sarah: Don't get used to it.

11. What if you caught your partner with another man/women? Would you instantly assume that he/she is cheating on you or would you consider them friends? What would happen?

Ratigan: As I have said before, she does not trust easily. So, no.

Sarah: It isn't any of my business who he's sleeping with. I'm not his, he's not mine. But if they mess with him, I'll find a way to make them pay for it.

Ratigan: So you do care! *happy*

Sarah: You grow on me. Like a fungus. A large, fuzzy, psychotic fungus.

12. Is there any fantasy you wished for between you and your partner? We don't mind hearing perverted answers.

Ratigan: Why, to marry her of course! I have declared her my soulmate after all!

Sarah: For him to keep his bothering me down to at least once a week.

13. That's nice...So have you two had any fights between each other?

Sarah: Have you not been paying attention?

Ratigan: Indeed, we fight quite a bit. And she usually wins despite her unusually small size.

14. Oh, I almost forgot to ask! How did you confess to your partner? Did he/she reject your feelings or accept them immediately?

Sarah: He tells me all the time, but I haven't accepted.

Ratigan: Oh, she will one day. And on that day, I shall be the happiest mouse in Mousedom!

Sarah: You're a rat.

Ratigan: ....

15. How do you feel towards your partners family members? Do you even know them?

Sarah: My poor parents don't need that kind of trauma.

Ratigan: I don't have any family, but the boys do adore her. So does dearest Felicia.

16. Since we are on the topic of family, do you two wish to start a family together?

Ratigan: Yeech, no thank you. I hate children.

Sarah: With him? Hell no. He'd eat them.

17. Alright, the meme is done! What will you do now?

Ratigan: Well, my dear? Was that so terrible?

Sarah: You owe me a drink, Ratigan. That was torture.
Back when I was still in the midst of writing things, I was re-reading some of my other works along with some bio notes I had about my oldest OC in GMD. I've often been quoted as saying that she doesn't trust easily, but when I went back to read what I'd written, she came across as rather trusting to put her faith in a criminal mastermind who is also quite horrendously insane. She didn't act the way I envision someone who experienced what she had, and so I wanted to write her in a way that showed her for who she really is: This broken, bitter angry woman who is still struggling day by day to make ends meet and to be accepted in a world where that's almost impossible. She comes across as so much colder than she really is. If you can peel back her layers and actually get her to trust you, you have a friend for life.

On the subject of Ratigan, I like the idea of him being redeemed, I really do. But I love the idea of him falling head over hammy heels in love and trying everything in his power to win someone over who is not the least bit interested. Or at least, comes across that way. He would see it as a challenge, and he would want to put his all into it to win that person. He has a bad case of Notice Me Senpai, and it is hilarious. I also enjoy writing Sarah sassing him all over the place because watching Ratigan get pussy-whipped is beyond hysterical, and he needs to be knocked down a peg or two once in a while.

Anyways, that's enough of my ranting for now. I'll have something new and exciting up maybe later, but don't quote me on that. Remember, The Great Mouse Detective and all their respective characters do not belong to little old me. I only own Sarah and all the sass that comes with her.
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RadioDemoness1989's avatar
Ooh, sassy Sari. I likey.

I would try this with Danielle...but she's not nearly as sassy as Sari, Rattypants or even Basil.

Danielle: I know, I'm boring.